On hidden cofounders
I live in San Francisco where the AI revolution is taking off. I also attended undergrad at a very tech-forward school.
Between these two facts, most pattern-matchers would jump (forgivably) to the conclusion that this is the flint that made me a founder — the bay area, its thriving tech ecosystem, its deep venture pockets.
These have almost certainly played their part but I don’t think they were the spark.
(All the photos I’m featuring in this post are from a recent family vacation I juggled alongside fundraising prep. Everyone was very tolerant and I’m grateful.
We may be living at AI ground zero in SF today, but inspiration is personal.
Mine stems from a bootstrapped startup in the tropics, thirty four years ago, eight thousand and five hundred miles from where I sit writing this post today.
On creating something from nothing
Singapore, where my husband and I had the fortune to come of age, is an extremely young country. Its residents today are mostly descendants of immigrants from around the South China Sea (referred to as Nanyang) and Bahasa-speaking countries (like Malaysia and Indonesia).
Contrary to Crazy Rich Asians, most of us (I say the collective us) did not come from money. We (a collective we) chose Singapore as a safe haven from the upheaval of the early 1900s, the second world war, and nation-building turbulence post-independence.
Anyway, back then, being a sailor was pretty good money, so my father in law cheerfully became a radio officer.
He lived and worked out at sea for a few years, and he learned the ropes:
He studied the maps, and the manifests, and the movements of maritime vessels.
He studied the changing of the guard every time a ship docked in a new harbor and 20 new seafarers clambered aboard.
He studied the flow of operational administration — visas, permits, timecards — under the laws of the sea.
Then he stopped studying, came ashore, fell in love, and set up his own crew management agency.
Not for the faint of heart
Today my Linkedin feed is full of YC entrepreneurs talking about how hard cold selling SaaS is. It turns out the art of creating something from nothing is in some ways the great equalizer (though it’s probably more comfortable crying from a steelcase).
Before he closed his first deal, my father in law stood on jetties in the dark at 4am, waiting for ships to come in to dock so he could seize his one shot at cold-selling the tired captains coming ashore for coffee who needed more crew.
He did this for months on end til he closed. He has operated for years with loyalty, honesty, and gratitutde (his first customer (now turned friend) is still a part of our lives today).
The more I learn about the risks he took, with kids, his elderly mother and his elderly grandmother (!) to care for, the more his success feels extra sweet. But there is an overlooked seed of his success, and that’s my mother-in-law. His hidden cofounder.
(There she is! Here we were trying to find hot dessert in the french concession in wintry Shanghai.)
On hidden cofounders
My mother-in-law has led the business alongside my father in law for decades. But there is generally only one figurehead and to the outside world, if there is a name bandied about, it does not tend to be hers.
Yet I have come to appreciate exactly how much she is the bedrock that kept it going. Not even in a “behind every strong man is an even stronger woman” way — but literally as an equal, yet hidden, cofounder.
She urged him to keep going on the jetties at 4am against the odds instead of retreating back to a stable 9-5 job.
She first held down the breadwinning, then entrenched his authority as the business took off, and kept the family running while he worked late, late, late into the night — all of it happening at the same dinner table.
Even today (they are semi-retired) she continues to play her role as both assistant and advisor.
Fast forward 34 years, and I have discovered my own hidden cofounder in their son.
(It is quite easy to spot a poorly dressed bay area person anywhere around the world.)
I’m speaking today to:
Founders who have a partner (cling to them, don’t let them go)
Partners of founders — aka the hidden cofounders (thank you for your service)
Tier-1 friends to either of the above profiles (get some popcorn and enjoy the show).
The concept of a hidden cofounder is easy to comprehend in good times — but also to overlook, under stress.
I’m reflecting on this because I’ve noticed that most of us have hidden cofounders whom we rely heavily on keep us, and our businesses, alive. But they don’t get credit — they don’t live on our cap tables, their names don’t show on Pitchbook. And as a result, they’re easy to overlook and take for granted — which sucks, because sometimes we really need them to make it through.
Spotlight: My own hidden cofounder
As we close out our first institutional fundraise, I’m reflecting on what’s gotten me here in 1 piece.
⅓ kabusecha, a pot of which I brew religiously every day at 70 degrees celsius
(and rebrew, and rebrew, and rebrew until it runs clear like water. Then I know it’s dinnertime.)
⅓ my official cofounder (to whom I’m also super grateful!).
⅓ — my hidden cofounder, and some of the unique dynamics of our relationship that have been extra supportive.
From his recent birthday trip to Oregon
As founder + VC
My hidden cofounder worked at a venture fund.
No industry overlap — but this gave me a unique empathy for the other side of the table.
The pressure to find opportunities that will return your fund, the need to maximize optionality.
As a time-tested pair
I doubt this would have worked as well if we were only just getting to know each other.
This journey can be so destabilizing that it’s nice to have a moat of familiarity to counter-balance.
By and large, my hidden cofounder is the harbor where I dock who knows more about me than even I do.
As willing lifestyle downgraders
I’ll start by saying we’re very lucky to be financially stable.
Even so, going single-income electively can feel like a lightning rod for marital distress and longer-term blame. I know many who earn more than either of us used to — and who still never feel they have enough savings.
I’m grateful to have someone who is willing to turn in, and stop looking out towards the Joneses.
The gratitude list
Every hidden cofounder has a special way of bringing out the best in us, whether it’s tough love or home-cooked food. (Mine makes really good pasta and has also kept me going through many darker days).
Here are some of the things resigned hidden cofounders end up doing with us — beyond just financial support:
Sketch out (or build) initial concept prototypes with you
Run market research with you
Assemble operating models with you
Become a known face, name and voice to your employees
Prospect with you for intros and user research
Share your social media posts (even the really un-groundbreaking ones)
My hidden cofounder also:
Supported my egg donation concierge test.
He took time off from work during my cycle, drove me from our rural Airbnb to every single clinic appointment, took care of our dog, and kept life going when we got unexpectedly called back for the YC Summer interview
Attended two team offsites with me — in two different cities
When we were rushing for deadlines he bought food back, tolerated employee sleepovers in our Wall St hotel room (yes - he did), and was just amazing and patient and everything I could have needed.
Put up with me working from the volleyball semi-finals at the olympics
(I really have no defense here but I’ll just say things felt like they were extremely due)
(Picture, with the added context that this was my DIY canopy for a mobile office on our honeymoon= ten thousand words of praise for hidden cofounder)
I round the bend on 1 year at Crucible soon —12 whole months of building something from nothing.
I hope this time isn’t wasted. I hope we will make something that makes a difference. I owe many people many favors and am enormously grateful for a wide, generous variety of advisors, friends, contractors.
But I am mostly grateful to my hidden cofounder — for both his support and his sacrifice. Without him, none of these opportunities could have been born.
(Thank you for always having my back - and being my extra shoulder.)
Wrapping up
To all the founders and enterpreneurs out there — hug your hidden cofounders and thank them.
To those thinking about stepping onto this path — find your hidden cofounders and cherish them.
To the hidden cofounders out there — thank you for being our lifeblood.
And to Pan: Happy 10 years. <3
